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Drinking Jokes

Drinking Problem Solver

Symptom Fault Action Required
Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear. Glass empty. Find someone who will buy you another beer.
Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet. Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
Feet cold and wet. Glass being held at incorrect angle. Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet. Improper bladder control. Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
Floor blurred. You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Find someone who will buy you another beer.
Floor swaying. Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Floor moving. You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and florescent light strip across it You have fallen over backward. If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, lash yourself to bar.
Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. You have fallen forward. See above.
Everything has gone dark. The Bar is closing. Panic.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Cover mouth.
You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom. You have spent the night in the gutter. Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in

The Golden Saloon

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."

"Bullshit! There's no such place!"

Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do." "What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

A Broken Breathalyser?

A routine police patrol is parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officers notice a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the carpark for a few minutes, with the officers quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officers, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To their amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, one of the officers said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "I'm the designated decoy, so I haven't touched a drop all night."

Staggering Drunk

A drunk staggers down the street with his car keys in his hand, staggering from one parked car to another until he is finally stopped by a policeman who asks "What's the problem, buddy?". The drunk replies "Someone stole my car! *hic*".

"Where did you last see it?". "It was right here on the end of my car key ..." the drunk says. Sensing a pointless conversation about to start, the policeman suggests that the drunk just catch a taxi and go home. Turning to leave, he pauses and mentions to the drunk "Did you happen to notice your fly is open?". Looking down at his fly, the drunk exclaims "Omigod occifer! Someone stole my girlfriend, too!"

The Texan

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for the past 30 minutes?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Free Drinks

Two Aussies, Bruce & Ken were down on their luck and hanging out for a cold drink or three. After checking their pockets and finding only 50 cents, Bruce came up with a brilliant strategy. "I'll take the 50 cents and show you how we can drink all day for free!"

Quickly, he went into a butcher's shop and bought a single sausage, which he stuck in Ken's fly. They then went to a nearby hotel. "Two beers"' said Bruce to the bartender. They downed them as fast as they could and the bartender waited for the money.

All of a sudden, Bruce got down on his knees and began sucking the sausage hanging out of Ken's fly. "Get out of my pub, you filthy poofters!", the bartender screamed and booted them out the door.

They did this all day, visiting about 16 pubs. "I just can't do this anymore", Bruce whined. "My knees are getting sore from kneeling".

"It's alright for you", Ken replied. "I lost the sausage after the third pub."

Recent Medical Research Results

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

If Beer Had Health Warnings

It's been proposed that warning signs be placed on beer bottles to tip off drinkers about the likely effects:

  1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
  2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
  3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
  4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
  5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
  6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
  7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.
  8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember)
  9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable carpet burn on the forehead.
  10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

Don't Drink And Drive

First time in 20 years that someone has emailed in offended about one of the jokes on this page so here's the PC version - the one where the joke is at the expense of anyone but the fairer sex. Editor's Note: It was no surprise that the only crime that was spotted on the entire page was "shaming woman" so fortunately the predictably limited bounds of their post-modern outrage meant we didn't need to edit out the seemingly acceptable issues of man-shaming, ageism, cultural stereotyping, domestic violence, religious generalisation, or lack of respect for those suffering from substance abuse.

A woman is out driving happily along in her car late one Saturday night. Before too long, the cops pull her over. The policeman walks up to the woman and asks, "Have you been drinking, madam?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road?" the woman answered.

"No," replied the policeman, "you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat guy in the passenger seat that gave you away."

Here's a video:

Finding Jesus

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?". The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preasher... I ssssure am."

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "Nooo, I ddddidnt!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "Noooo, I dddid not Reverrrrend."

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,

"My God man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sssssure thhhis is where he fffffelll in?"

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This web site does not endorse drink driving or the excessive consumption of alcohol. Blood alcohol calculations are to be used as a guide only.